Ephemeral
by aj spree
Summary: Post Season 4...I started this as a traditional, more descriptive story...but then had an idea to change the style to be Quinn's train of thought...very fast/exploratory...not sure where this will go but thought I'd try this out
1. Chapter 1

All it took was an instant for something so profound to have finally materialized…all he sees is her face…her smile…their lips meet…his hands raked through her hair, cradling her head, not wanting to let go…his body pressed up against her…as intimate as they had ever been before…it was more than just a kiss…more than just their hands and bodies finally awakening to each other…it was hope…for all the years he needed to be with her…he feels her lips against his…her tongue caressing his.

And then…he no longer feels her…instead, he feels the cold, hard barrel of a gun pressed to the back of his head…he opens his eyes…his heart sinks as he the reality of what is happening sets in…all he sees now are rocky mountains…blue sky…he scans the horizon…the rocky terrain around him…to see someone from his team…anybody….but he is alone…he fucked it up…silently to himself he whispers, wishing she somehow can hear him…_I'll see you again_…he hears the gun cock back…then the sound of a loud bang…for a moment he sees nothing…just blackness.

He's ready now…he opens his eyes…expecting to see some sort of heavenly gate awaiting him….but all he sees are rocky mountains and blue sky….he is still kneeling...his hands still tied behind his back…his breath catches up with him and he gasps for air…he realizes his heart is beating wildly out of control…but his heart is beating…he turns slightly and sees a dead body lying on the ground behind him…blood spilling out of the man's head…his vision starts to blur…he collapses to the ground….feels someone untie his hands…his body lifted up…his arms draped over someone's shoulders…he hears muffled voices…_we got you….we're getting you out of here… can you hear me…shit he's bleeding bad…go go go!_….he's lying in the back of a vehicle… people hovering over him…his body being probed…the feeling of pain…the sound of gunfire…yelling…then all is quiet…all is quiet for a long time.

When he wakes he's lying in a makeshift bed…he sees her face and shuts his eyes immediately…his heart races…this isn't real he tells himself…she's not real…don't believe it again…someone caresses his arm...he opens his eyes and looks up at a women….she looks European…she is changing his bandages…the reality sets back in…when he set out on his mission to Syria he had come to terms with the fact that he was going to die…he was ok with that...he had found peace knowing that she was the last thing he would ever see…but now he was alive…and she was all he saw…and he was haunted by her…by that ephemeral kiss…and the moments that followed…when she couldn't say yes…to being with him…to leaving the CIA…they weren't on the same page…and there was nothing he could do to change that…but what if she had changed her mind since then?…he let that thought escape as quickly as it came…because the reality of what he had to face now was more clear than hope…a life…without her.


	2. Chapter 2

He knew coming back to the States probably wasn't a good idea… it's not until he arrives at the memorial ceremony that he realizes how fucked up he really is…he's not ready to face anything that reminds him of his former life…not the families he will see…not the pictures of the faces of those that he had lost… thankfully the ceremony is short…he tries to act how a normal person would in this situation…he hugs their wives…gives their sons a pat on the head…tells them how sorry he is for their loss…that they were the real heroes that day…but only he knows the truth…that it's because of him…that they are not alive today…as he kneels below their framed faces…he silently prays to them…tells them how sorry he is…that he wishes that it was him that was being mourned today… he feels claustrophobic...excuses himself…he sits in his truck…all he wants is a drink…he drives back to his motel…there's a bottle of whiskey there… when he gets back to his room…he chugs the bottle of dry…and feels at peace when he finally blacks out.

He saw her…she was as clear as day…she sat on a park bench…a stroller next to her…every so often she would lean down…check to see if her daughter was still sleeping…she smiles….she looks happy…and beautiful…always beautiful…how different his life could have been…if only he had been sitting there next to her…but she wouldn't even know him now…six months ago…someone else awoke from that bed…the Quinn she knew before he left….that Quinn was still in Syria…still kneeling in that hell hole with his hands tied behind his back…his eyes flicker open…it's too bright…he covers them with his arm…when his eyes finally start to adjust he looks around him…the clock on the nightstand blinks 9:30 AM…he's glad he woke up…the last thing he needed was the thoughts of her to cloud his judgment…there was one target he still needed to eliminate…and then maybe…he would feel better… he smiles to himself…gets out of bed…walks over to the closet…pushes his clothes on the hangers to one side…he bends down to the safe in the back corner…enters the combination he had set earlier…coming back to the States probably wasn't a good idea…the shiny metal of the gun gleams back at him…as if to say…it's been a longtime friend.


End file.
